Loved for Who You Are

Loved for Who You Are

Theology in the Trenches

by Kathleen Kjolhaug

Finding a friend who knows you from the inside out, and who frankly likes you, is a gift. Someone who enjoys your company while giving you the freedom to dream about life without having to watch what you say for fear they might not really like you, after all, is nothing to worry about. Nope, there will be no Judas to betray and slay when one finds the gift of true friendship.

We’ve all had it done to us…the betrayal. Truth is, we’ve all betrayed. And because of doing this or having it done to us, on guard we become…holding back just enough to protect our hearts.

It happened to me back in the day. As rejection and fear have been bubbling to the surface as of late, I’m taking time to listen to the internal heartbeat of what is driving that.

I’d like to believe it was others who have done the damage during my growing up years. The groups that form within friendship circles can be intentionally hurtful, and as much as I’d like to say it is others who do the nasty business of reacting from their own hidden pain, I no longer think “they” are to blame.

As I pay attention to the rumblings within, the ground breaks open just enough for me to peer within. Could snippets from childhood cause this much lack of trust in others as an adult? I suppose the answer is both “Yes” and “No.” Past pain can and often does trigger new episodes of pain, and when this happens I often find myself unaware of the connection between my past experiences and the current situation.

Most often, I find myself trying to smooth over whatever it is that just happened by taking time to make sure others know my intentions are not what they think.

Restoration is good. Good for the soul it is to check in to make sure that no offense was taken. After all, He says, “Blessed are the peacemakers” (Matt. 5). However, when pain in certain situations is reoccurring, then perhaps something needs to be looked at. Perhaps there is a cleansing of sorts that needs to take place.

There is boldness in asking what wounds need to be healed…cleansed. To go back to the original hurt which longs to be unhurt is a brave thing to do.  To be able to ask what it is that drives that need for reassurance that I am, after all, loved…takes strength.

As I take time to pause, and as I listen to what is going on within…ever so gently the pain begins to calm…and it is then that I realize that it is not “they” … rather, it is me.

You see, there has been a pattern. When I am in the business of building relationships and begin to focus on them from the standpoint of friendship rather than my Father’s business and what He desires in that friendship, the foundation being constructed is on anything but a firm foundation. I begin to expect from the friendship something that mere humans cannot give…such as reassurance that I am okay…that I am loved…that I am liked…and that I am not alone in this world.

The final four must come from Him and Him alone. Although friendships are gifts, and He uses them to help build up and restore, they cannot take the place of what He desires from them which would be to bring honor and glory to Him.

The pattern repeated in my world extended beyond friendships. It encircled my children, my relatives, and my spouse. So whether any of these appeared to deeply gratify and validate, eventually if the footings were not set on Him, the building of each relationship sank.

As I listen, the quiet speaks. It ushers in a word that brings comfort. That word is forgiveness. I must forgive things I knew not needed forgiving. I must forgive not only those who offended way back when…but I must also forgive myself for being after all…simply human longing to be liked by another...accepted within circles I perhaps had no business being in.

And that is when I must pause…and be still and know that He alone is God. He will have no false gods before Him (Exodus 20). In the stillness He reminds.  And for this, I am grateful.  Amen.