What Not to Say 101

What Not to Say 101

Theology in the Trenches

by Kathleen Kjolhaug

“Been there done that!” The words stung as they hung in the air between us. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard them, and as time-would-tell, it wouldn’t be the last. Tossed my way with a brush of the hand midair for emphasis, they made their mark.

My heart was tender those first years of motherhood, and I needed more from the one who’d said them. “Friendly fire” perhaps was all they were, but once out, all conversation ceased.  

Nonexistent was the click of a button providing the much-needed resources that moms of today have access to. Some days the feelings of isolation were more than I could take. With little contact and knee-deep in kiddos, the visitor who had spoken the hurtful words shredded my heart like a cat scratching on its post for relief.

I longed for someone who desired to connect as much as I. Her words doused any hope of support I desperately needed.

What was one to say when the visitor came by? If I couldn’t share honestly, I didn’t want to share at all. If the friendship would take away pieces of me, then I’d rather not have it. At the time, I didn’t know how to express that and so as awkward as it was, I continued to “try” my best to make the best of it, so to speak.

That line, "Been there done that," triggered something deep within as I recently overheard another within earshot expressing the likes of them in conversation. Soon, I found myself wondering whose flames I’ve been guilty of dousing whether it be intentional or not?

I took a vow. I vowed to listen better to those around me and affirm the new being born within each. Whether its people’s experiences or ideas they bring forth to recreate and update the old, it’s all-new…and it’s worth listening to what's actually being said.

My thoughts drifted to the coffee bar at a church we recently attended. Many churches offer it these days. Most have always offered some sort of treats now and then…but today’s versions are not the coffee and cookies as of old. No, they are something quite different. Today, they represent the intentionality of bringing pause into a crazy fast world in which we live. They offer comfort. They offer care for those choosing to enter in from a war zone where nary a crumb of kindness has been spoken since the last time they entered. They offer respite.

Gathering as a community after church creates an atmosphere of inclusion. It’s no mere potluck. This is a fresh face on today’s young people who desire to connect with the few minutes they have free in a space that might offer just a little reprieve from the outside forces pressing in.

That “Men’s Fraternity” which meets is not Bible Study. It’s much more. It’s a group of comrades who desire direction in life. Their compass is all but gone as this world has become confusingly unrecognizable in a culture pushing back and pushing hard. Where are the voices of balance? Where are the voices of reason? Where are the voices of stability in a world that is anything but? Perhaps other men have wisdom they might share and thus...they gather.

You’ve heard it said. “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

Perhaps. Perhaps not. If it’s the very first time one has smelled a rose, its newness excites. God stirs and as faith is not a spectator sport, we are called to participate. When the Spirit sends the flames…we do not want to douse them by merely saying, “Been there, done that.”  We do not want to be territorial in areas where God is inviting others to create anew.

“For such a time as this” rings truer than true. To all young mamas...“For such a time as this,” you were created to put into the lives of your little ones. “For such a time as this” your ideas are ones of renewal which will help raise up the next generation within your home. And, “For such a time as this,” you were given that idea to put a fresh face of renewal within those whom you serve.

Whether it is home, church or serving within communities...may “For such a time as this,” be our guide (Esther 4:14) as we encourage one another to lift high the cross under which we stand as one.   

Amen.