Listening

 

Listening

Theology in the Trenches

by Kathleen Kjolhaug

 

Shall we talk? This isn’t exactly a two-way conversation, I realize that. I’m talking, so to speak, and you’re listening. At least you’re trying to figure out what it is I’m saying on any given topic. And by the way…thank you for that.

It’s fun to communicate. Both reader and writer paint their own picture, apply it as best they can…and enjoy the process.

Being a good communicator is important, and as of late, I’ve been trying to learn how to be a better listener in this process.

When I was younger, I did not give voice to much of what I was feeling within. Forced out of my shell while living in a non-English speaking country, I changed. I had no choice but to find my voice. Forced I was to use it in order to communicate.

Once home, my mantra soon became, “I just want to be understood.” If others misunderstood me or worse yet misinterpreted what I was saying, it bothered me greatly.

What did I discover during this supposed “growth spurt” in expressing myself? I discovered in the midst of this that communication is not a one-way street. Speaking was only part of it while listening would be the other much-needed skill. So intense I had become in expressing myself, making up for lost time, I did not think much about discovering what others were trying to say. Hadn’t really crossed my mind…I guess.

When one finds themselves constantly clarifying their own thoughts and ideas, I realized the prayer I’d often prayed hadn’t been embedded as much as I had hoped.

What prayer am I talking about? “The Prayer of St. Francis” was the one often prayed. One line, in particular, says, “May I never seek so much to be consoled as to console…to be understood as to understand…”

And there you have it. Although the whole prayer is powerful, for the sake of staying on topic, let’s focus on just the latter section.

Convicting me further of my need to listen was the man on the radio who was expounding on the skill of listening. It captivated.

The example the man on the radio spoke of was someone who was known as a great communicator. He was hailed as this because while talking to another person…any person…he would continually ask them questions. By the time the person to which he was speaking had explained themselves so well…each person felt understood. When they felt understood by him, they, in turn, were able to listen to any input he gave on the topic at hand.

Imagine what it would be like to have another person so engaged in what you were saying that they took time to ask as many questions needed to understand exactly what it was you were trying to communicate?

I don’t know about you, but I’d be feeling as if I were not only heard but understood. Once understood I’d be willing to receive input because it felt…well…safe. But here’s the catch.

We have no control over who will and who will not ask us questions. So what does this mean? It means that I must be the one willing to ask the questions in order for others be understood.

I must be the one listening intently before I speak. I must be the one to understand rather than be the one who is understood.

But here’s an even bigger dilemma. I stink at this. It does not come naturally for me to be an active listener. Why? I like talking and expressing the internal dialogue that seems to be ever-present.

The upside is…I am looking forward to practicing on improving this skill in which I am weak, and as they say, “Practice makes perfect”.

As He alone is the perfect one…I need not be. May He in me take the lead on this and as another good prayer often prayed says, “For Thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory both now and forever” (Matt. 6:9-13). Amen.