I USED TO BE?

I USED TO BE?

Theology in the Trenches

Kathleen Kjolhaug

“I must remember who I used to be and from what God has rescued me.” The pastor’s words in the sermon today struck a chord.  However, the chord they struck, no doubt, was one he did not intend to strike. He repeated the words several times in an effort to get those listening to remember from where we had once been in our lives.  He made reference to the wandering Arameans in the book from which he was referring.  He explained that the word wandering could mean perishing, lost, or going nowhere.  And, he continued, “That’s who many of us were.”

“Were?”  I wondered.  The question was fleeting but clearly in the back of my mind.

Pastor went on. “Until God intervenes, you will always come up empty handed and empty hearted.”  He went on expounding on the fact that “He rescued us from the horrors of oppression.  Being oppressed could mean we are concerned about our image, our status, our looks, our money, our own desires, our spiritual complacency, or material slavery.  When we are oppressed, we will always come up short with a limited vision of what He wants for us.”

Like a wave of cotton balls gently tumbling over me, the Lord was chastising.  As usual, when He does so, it never hurts.  He reminded me, in love, that indeed there are still a few things I need to confess.  He knows my needs before I even ask and therefore, knows the areas where He needs to cleanse. 

While I tried to remember who I once was before He rescued me, I had to admit that sometimes the before and after don’t always look much different.  Simply put, I do a lot of wandering.  My mind wanders, my heart wanders, my conversations wander, and my footsteps wander.  Like a fog horn in the darkness I blast my way through the day often unaware of my sins of omission. 

Why just the other day I received a phone call to ask if I’d be able to help take down the Christmas décor at church.  I was thrilled.  A friendly team of women had made sure that everything was perfect for our daughter’s wedding, right down to them purchasing a few new flowers that would match the colors she’d chosen. I was so very excited and honored to help take down that which they’d spent days putting up.  I jotted a note to myself but as it was just hours away, I set it aside.  One thing lead to another, and I soon found myself wandering through several stores with my daughters doing errands.  Before I knew it, it was evening. Dragging ourselves into the house, the homework began in earnest.  Morning arrived, school went by, meetings took place, and as I made my way past our little church, I remembered.  I remembered the phone call twenty-four hours earlier and it was obvious that I had been wandering.  My apologies rang hollow as my heart cried for forgiveness from the givers.  And, they gave once more…forgiveness.

You say in Psalm 107:4 that “some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle.”  I feel like when I wander; it is all wasteland.  When I wander, I tend to get just a bit off track.  Help me to remember that the journey home is a prayer away and that in You, we will find that city in which to settle.  Amen.